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An Ode to My Emo Phase

  • Writer: Brannon Johnston
    Brannon Johnston
  • Mar 25, 2022
  • 7 min read

When I was in middle school, like many other angsty pre-teens, I went through an embarrassingly cringey emo phase. Thankfully, I had to wear a uniform to school that prevented most people from seeing my all-black Hot Topic outfits that I insisted on wearing each weekend. However, I would still wake up each morning, put on as much eyeliner as my eyelids could handle, buckle my studded black belt, and lace-up my doc martens before confidently heading off to school. I remember feeling so cool and so different and honestly, I was just proud of myself for every little loophole I could find in my school’s uniform policy that I had been perfectly adhering to for the past 9 years of my life. Looking back on it, I was going through a lot more than I wanted to admit to myself at the time. I suddenly felt isolated from my friends and I had these huge feelings of nervousness and dread that I had never experienced before. Even though I loved my tiny K-8 Christian school more than anything, I felt trapped. There were so few people to meet and I had spent every weekday for 9 years in the same three-floor building where I attended all the chapel services and faith studies classes on the same floor where all my other classes were. I don’t think I knew it at the time, but I was depressed. I also had a lot of underlying anxiety about going to the biggest public high school in my city the next year. I knew it would be a difficult transition from 50 kids a grade to 1000, and I knew I wasn’t that great with change. Long story short, I think I can attribute the beginnings of my emo phase to all of these feelings. I felt out of control in my life, with my friends, and with my surroundings, but I also felt simultaneously bored and stuck. Hence, I decided to take control of my appearance more than ever before and I used this as a way to rebel against the school and friends I had once loved so much.

This emo phase brought about a lot of concerning emails from teachers to my parents and subsequently a lot of awkward conversations where my parents would ask me if I was okay. I always answered with frustration when friends, family, or teachers asked me what was going on. Mostly, I think I was frustrated because I also didn’t really know what was going on, but I was also annoyed because their question implied that something was wrong or bad about my appearance and actions. In my mind, I was just trying something new and I really liked it, so it became hurtful to hear that other people, who had once supported me, thought that this new interest of mine was negative. I made some friends with other angsty middle schoolers and they introduced me to a lot of new music. I listened to My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, Paramore, Green Day, Blink-182, The White Stripes, and many other bands for the first time ever that year. Up until this point, I had always just liked the pop music from the radio, so it came as a huge surprise to me when I absolutely loved all of this new music. I ended up digging deeper into the entire pop-punk and emo genres which then led me to punk, grunge, alternative, permanent wave, classic rock, and garage rock. The more I listened, the more I loved every new thing I found.

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My First Bass

My parents, confused and intrigued about my sudden change of heart in music, decided to buy me a guitar so I could learn how to play. One day at work, my dad drove by a pawnshop that just happened to have a bright blue, shiny bass guitar in the front window. To this day, I’m not sure if my dad knew that it was a bass and not an electric guitar, but either way, he bought it. When I got home from school my parents surprised me with the bass and I was immediately fascinated. I tried to teach myself bass lines to all the songs I loved and I found out that I actually really enjoyed playing. My parents signed me up for a performance-based music program called School of Rock shortly thereafter. Once I had taken lessons for a couple of weeks, I got to pick a show to sign up for. When I walked into the first day of rehearsals for The Killers tribute show, I was terrified. The room was full of other 13-17 year olds who were dressed like me, practicing their instruments, and talking about all the bands I had come to love. I was so intimidated. My lessons teacher also happened to be the director of the show and he immediately introduced me to everyone and sat me near some other girls my age.

Over the course of the next three months, I was pushed in so many ways. For the first time, I was making new friends outside my small middle school. I knew I was in way over my head with the bass lines I had been assigned so I was practicing every day, but regardless, I was happy. Before each rehearsal, I would stress over if I had my parts perfectly right, but I also couldn’t wait to see all my new friends. By the end of rehearsals, I had learned that messing up and failing didn’t have to be embarrassing and it was better to try your best and fail than not try at all. Whenever I couldn’t get a part down, other teens in my group would help me practice it, teach me new tricks, and encourage me - even though I knew I sounded horrible.

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The Killers Tribute Show

The time for our Killers tribute show came around just as I was finishing my 8th-grade year. I took a big risk and invited all of my school friends, even the ones I had grown apart from, to my show at a bar downtown. To my surprise, a lot of them came. Even more surprising was that they loved it! After the show, all of my friends were so supportive, they loved the music and wanted to know more about the band. They wanted to meet my new friends and they were already asking me when the next show would be. My parents couldn’t stop telling me how great it was and how proud they were that I could get up on a stage in front of 75 people and play music. I was beaming with excitement. I finally felt like the people I cared about understood the things that I cared about. Instead of asking if I was okay, or giving me strange looks about how I was dressing and what I was listening to, they were excited for me.

Shortly thereafter, my “emo phase” ended and I found a sense of style that was still expressing who I was but without the Hot Topic band tees and heavy eyeliner. I started high school and felt so much more confident to make new friends because I had already done it with School of Rock. I kept attending School of Rock through the summer after my Junior year.

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Red Hot Chili Peppers Show

I got the opportunity to play at tons of local venues, and I got to do tribute shows for many of my favorite artists and bands like The Rolling Stones, Jack White, Fleetwood Mac, Alice in Chains, Green Day, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, and many more. By my Senior year of high school, some of my friends from School of Rock and I decided to start our own band. We saved up money to buy our own equipment, created a rehearsal schedule, discussed and decided on setlists, and found local gigs to play. While the experience required more commitment than any of us expected, it taught all of us a lot about leadership, working as a team, organization, and dedication. Most of all, it showed all of us that we were capable of doing a lot more than we once believed.

All of this is to say that without my emo phase, I would not be the person I am today. If I hadn’t done School of Rock or started my own band, I would have never had the confidence to go to college in a state seven hours from home while most of my friends stayed in-state for college. I would have never met all of the incredible people at Vanderbilt, some of whom I consider the people who know me best in this world. I would have still been extremely shy and afraid of sticking up for things I believe in. I probably wouldn’t have made many of the high school friends that are now some of the most important people in my life.

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My Last School of Rock Performance

My emo phase introduced me to a lifelong passion for music. I have been to countless concerts and music festivals with friends or family in tow, and these have been some of my most cherished memories in life. I have gotten to meet so many people over a shared interest in a band or artist. Music and playing music became great coping strategies for my anxiety, and I still use music as a form of stress relief today. My passion for music has led me to travel and explore new places, both in my hometown and across the United States.

Despite initial reluctance, ultimately my friends and family supported my emo phase or identity exploration. They cheered me on when I took risks like playing on stage or trying to meet new people. I can’t speak definitively about every teens’ life experience, but for me, if my parents had not nurtured my interests, I do not know what my life path would have looked like. As embarrassing as it was, my emo phase led me down a path of identity exploration that was critical to discovering who I am. Now, no longer in my emo phase, I can look back and understand my family and friends’ concern about my aggressive outfits and smudged eyeliner. But, without that phase, I wouldn’t have the friends, interests, or relationships I have today. For these reasons, I am so grateful I had a support network around me that ultimately accepted me, supported me, and encouraged me, scary outfits and all.


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Vanderbilt American Studies Senior Project 2022

Created by: Brannon Johnston

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